I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
