I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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