apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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