Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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