Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
