You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
