I wish life had little blips of pornography
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
