So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
