note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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