He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
