I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize