I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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