im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
