My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Randomize
