You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
