"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
im holly from the hills drunk
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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