Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
