Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
