When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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