Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
