You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
