saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
as a side note pls kill me
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
