Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Oh god it's open bar.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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