He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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