Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
