So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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