Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
