I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize
