I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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