We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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