She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
