how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
