I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
