Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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