dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
