Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
