We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
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