I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
