I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
