I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
