My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
