i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
