I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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