everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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