Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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