i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
