Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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