Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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