WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Life is so much better after having sex.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
