R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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